I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize