I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
