all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
