god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
