I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize