He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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