I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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