Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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