My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
