there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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