If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
