Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
