i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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