fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
