I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
