Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
