apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
