I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
