I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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