You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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