We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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