This girl is more easily done than said...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
