Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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