And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
