My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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