Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
