I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
