that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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