Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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