remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
