I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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