Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
