i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize