note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
