I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
