So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
