Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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