May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
