No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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