just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
