Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
