I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
