I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
