Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I want to fling myself into the sun
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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