pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
