i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
