life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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