So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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