I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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