Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize