Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
