So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
