People with herpes should wear stickers.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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