I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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