i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
