Apparently you make a good broom.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
