fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
