I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
