I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
